Don’t date a Pinot Noir!

When I decided to date  after divorce, I had something special in mind.  After being with the same boring bottle of corked Cabernet Savingnon for nearly seventeen years, I was ready to broaden my wine palate and take a gamble with a new varietal – something smooth & more drinkable was calling my name…….

The biggest RISK I could take in dating would be on a Pinot Noir.

Why you ask?

Because a Pinot Noir is one of the most silkiest, seductive of wine, and most fickle.  Either GOOD or BAD and rarely anything inbetween.  Chances are they will love you and leave you.

They fit the profile of a word I would like to share with you.  As I share this word, I would like you to think of the first thought that comes to mind.

This word is “Sociopath”

Who did you think of?

It is estimated that Sociopaths AKA Pinot Noirs represent 4% of the population or 1-25.  They are more common than you think.  Sometimes they are our friends, lovers and co-workers.

Recently Sociopaths have been re-defined by mental health care professionals and defined as those who suffer from  “antisocial personality disorder”.  Here is how it is defined:

  • Reckless disregard for the safety of themselves or others
  • Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors
  • Deceitfulness & repeated lying
  • Deceit for personal profit or pleasure
  • Lack of remorse for actions that hurt other people

How did they become like this anyway?

There is some controversy over whether sociopaths are born with a pre-disposition in their brain development or created by their environment or the way they were raised.  Sometimes perhaps both are factors.

What are the tasting notes of this character –Charming, confident to the point of grandiose, often highly intelligent, attractive, and able to disarm you easily, seductive, silky and make a lot of promises on their labels that they rarely deliver.  They will fool you with their academy award winning performance.

I met a Pinot Noir at a wine tasting event when I decided to start dating again.  I had a long list of the tasting notes I desired in the wine I was looking for and this day I found it in a Pinot Noir.

To illustrate the encounter, I will read an excerpt from my book entitled “Meritage Divorce”:

This bottle stands out on the shelf when you are shopping for wine with its beautiful label.  This wine is the most seductive wine, with the most intoxicating bouquet.  One taste of this stuff and it will blow your palate.  One taste will not be enough; you will be hooked by the first sip.  You’ll drink them up so fast you’ll be intoxicated before the alcohol level reaches your bloodstream.  As a matter of fact, you might feel drunk just being around them without taking the first sip–as I did.  But it won’t be everything it’s cracked up to be and you wont know your dying slowly because you’re drunk. Love drunk.  Red flags will be quickly dismissed because nothing can get you to relinquish this bottle once you have it in your hands.  You will want to hold on tight and not share it with anyone.  This special bottle is the sublime nectar of the Gods and you found it.  If you share it, no one would return it and it would slip from your hands forever.  After you taste this wine, it will set a new standard and you will wonder if you could ever drink anything else again.   Hang on is all I can say when choosing this wine–it’s going to be a volatile journey.  And once you dump part of the wine out in your bottle to make room for them to pour themselves in, you’ll be left wondering how you get your wine back.

Sociopaths want something from you and in order to get it they are willing to work for.  They might work hard to please you, and treat you like a Queen or King and hang on every words you say as they study you and take notes to use against you in the future.  For them it is all about controlling you to get what they want.  They will eventually use your vulnerabilities against you to weaken you in an effort to control you.  It’s a form of domestic violence.

  • They don’t love, and connect like normal people do so you are living a BIG FAT LIE!

It’s best to spot the warning signs and don’t’ even crack open the bottle.

*Watch for lies, inconsistencies in stories, their on-line presence (usually exaggerated).  They may try to take you out of circulation in your own life and not want you to see your friends or family.

Here are some safety rules for dating , especially on-line where sociopaths troll for victims.

  • Don’t tell too much about yourself on-line – you are giving a sociopath an opportunity to build a seduction plan
  • Don’t allow your date to pick you up and don’t tell them where you live
  • Don’t tell you date too much about yourself for a period of time
  • Provide a friend with all the information you have of your date before meeting them
  • Don’t leave a drink unattended to go to the restroom
  • If possible, utilize the service that protects your cell number
  • Watch their body language…don’t let them get in your personal space – they should have respectable boundaries
  • Watch for superficial flattery
  • Watch for exagerations
  • Don’t let them walk you to your car, pay for valet if available

If you sense you might be dating a sociopath at some point or have already established a relationship see a mental health care professional for advice.  It can be very tricky when breaking off with them and staying safe.  Do not approach them with your suspicions of them being a Sociopath you could put yourself at further risk.  Move out while they are at work and change your number and do not respond to any form of communication – go cold turkey.  Run, don’t walk.

With any luck you won’t date a Pinot Noir.


Don’t Date a Pinot Noir!

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